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Lose your job and so many people lose identity and purpose. It is difficult to stay fired up about life when you have no money and prospects are bleak. But there are choices and there is hope.

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First step: You need to find a good coach or counselor who will help you identify options.

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Isabelle has been married for nine years to Gordon. He has just lost his job at the corporate headquarters of a large grocery chain. He worked there for 17 years, and hoped he would be there until retirement. Now, at 57, he is looking at long-term unemployment and personal financial crisis. Isabelle says her husband has lost his drive, his focus, and his health. And he is about to lose her love.

Question: Isabelle, you are now a one-income household after years of living on two good salaries. Have you had to make big adjustments?

Isabelle: We are about to lose our house. It doesn't make sense to keep it. The house is so big, our kids have left home. The house needs major reburshiment and we just can't afford it. We're selling at the worst possible time.

Question: Where will you go?

Isabelle: At first, we will move to a friend's apartment, where thers is a room for us. After that, I don't know.

Question: Your husband has no income at all?

Isabelle: When he lost his job, he tried for a while to find some new ones. He didn't even get an interview, so then he gave up. He doesn't do anything, just hangs around the house. He doesn't even do yard work. The lawn looks terrible.

Question: How does that make you feel?

Isabelle: I feel frustrated and resentful. Not only do I have to go out and work, I take care of the home. I have even contacted some kids at church about doing the yardwork. They want $50 to do work that Gordon should do for nothing.

Question: Have you spoken to Gordon about this?

Isabelle: I have tried but he's been in a deep funk for months. He's inert, can't be moved. It's as though the tiny spark that kept him alive has been snuffed out.

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Question: Do you think he is depressed?

Isabelle: I am not sure what to call it. He doesn't appear sad, but he has withdrawn into himself. He has lost contact with the world. He is no longer interested in anything. He just seems to exist.

Question: Is he getting help for this?

Isabelle: I suggested counseling. I thought it might help him dig his way out of the hole he is in. He needs to see there are opportunities out there, or that you must create your own opportunities at times like this.

He was cruising toward retirement at the same company. That was his goal. He'd stopped thinking about career or advancement. He wanted to serve his time and retire.

Question: Has he seen a counselor? It sounds as though a life coach or a counselor would be able him to achieve focus in life, and draw up some goals and objectives, things he would like to do with his life.

Isabelle: He has refused help. It's so sad. At this time, Gordon needs to be proactive; he should be out there making connections, keeping active, looking after himself. But he's sinking without a struggle.

Question: I know it is hard, but at times like this, you should try to be a loving, supportive, and encouraging person in your husband's life. I have a feeling that harsh criticism will drive him deeper into his cave. How does he spend his days?

Isabelle: He sleeps until past noon. He watches tv, he sits and stares into space. When I come home from work, he is often asleep on the couch. I cook for him when I come home. I don't know if he eats during the day.

Question: Maintaining some simple routines would help a lot. He shouldn't sleep until noon. It's important to get up and perform some tasks during the day, just to keep a sense of purpose about the things you can control. Does Gordon get any exercise?

Isabelle: Are you kidding? Gordon is the laziest man I know. He's about 40 pounds overweight. He has trouble climbing the stairs to our bedroom.

Question: Exercize is so important to our wellbeing and sense of self. Just 30 minutes walking a day would make him feel so much better. Does he have any friends? Does he take part in any social activities, support groups?

Isabelle: No to both questions. He is ashamed about being out of work, so he avoids meeting people.

Question: Social contact and friends are vital, especially in a time of crisis. They keep us in touch with the outside well. How is your sex life?

Isabelle: Non-existent.

Question: Have you tried to motivate your husband, to talk to him about his unahappiness?

Isabelle: What can I do? I told him he needs therapy. I said he needs to look for work. He needs to get out the house. He needs to lose weight. I am running out of patience. I don't want to nag him. I try to encourage, but it's difficult not to hide my anger.

Question: It is time, but you should aim to encourage rather than criticize and put him down. He has held down a job for many years. He has skills and knowledge. He's good at what he did. He needs to keep in touch with that feeling. Do you still love Gordon?

Isabelle: I don't know. I don't want to sound a bitch. I want to be supportive. I'm growing to dislike him, his fat, lazy presence around the house. I resent him.

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Question: I hope you don't allow those sentiments to be voiced, not in that way. It won't help if your husband knows you don't like him for being out of work. Do you think he knows you feel bitter? We can usually feel if people aren't on our side.

Isabelle: He probably senses my frustration. He's sometimes apologetic when I catch him asleep on the couch. He tells me he has only been napping for 10 minutes, which I know is a lie.

Question: No one is proud to be on the couch all day. He's aware it's a problem. Do you see a way out of the situation?

Isabelle: Only if the economy turns around and jobs start growing on trees. Gordon has forgotten how to hunt down opportunities. He thinks his life is over.

Question: You should encourage him to seek help. It's amazing how much one or two sessions can do to improve your sense of self, how it opens your eyes to possibilities, and helps you break bad patterns of behavior. But what do you think you can do to help?

Isabelle: Like you say, I shouldn't criticize him so much. I should try and encourage him, be a friend, be supportive, understand his frustration. But it's so hard. I work, I pay the bills, I clean and cook. I'm active at church. I do it all.

Question: Does Gordon go to church?

Isabelle: He used to. He stopped going when he lost his job. He doesn't want people to feel sorry for him.

Question: Perhaps you could talk to some of your freinds at church, or the pastor. Perhaps the pastor can make a home visit to perk him up. Has Gordon ever had any psychological issues, early childhood issues that you're aware of?

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Isabelle: As far as I know he was a happy kid. But he's always been shy and anxious. He's never been the center of attention; he's never been the life and soul of the party. He speaks when he's spoken to. He's never been a doer. He likes a comfortable life without too many challenges.

Question: What are you own plans to deal with this difficult situation?

Isabelle: I don't know how much more I can stand. We have no savings. We're getting deeper into debt. I'm seriously considering divorce as an option. It would destroy Gordon, but he's destroying me right now.

Question: How serious are your thoughts about divorce?

Isabelle: Very serious. If he doesn't get a hold of himself in the next three months, I'm outta here. There's a limit to how much I can take. I have stuck by him, but if he doesn't step up to the plate, I will have to leave him. Our kids are grown up. They would understand.

Question: Thank you for your time today.


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