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"I hate my husband but everyone tells me to save the marriage"

[Sex question you daren't ask but want answered]

There is nothing like family and marriage for bringing extreme emotions and behavior onto center stage. Work, sport, air travel, shopping, bad service in restaurants, each can drive you crazy, but family and marriage are more demanding than all of them put together. Marriage is a place that can turn love into hatred. Many spouses are trapped in a spiral of violence and abuse, with no escape in sight.

A lot of spouses in miserable, abusive, dead-end marriages find themselves totally without support from friends, family, religious institutions, and so-called experts in marriage matters. These people believe the institution of marriage must be defended at all costs, even if it is tormenting one or both spouses and their children.

A wife in a horrible marriage might be told, "Your life isn't that bad, at least your husband doesn't hit you". Or there are husbands whose alcoholic or drug-abusing wives drink away the family savings, don't come home at night and sleep around, leaving the husband to run the home as best he can. He'll want to leave his wife but religious friends might tell him to keep giving her one last chance.

There are marriages where a wife has to stand between her fist-waving husband and her children. She takes heavy blows to the head in order to protect her kids from being hit. And here are people close to her who will tell her she must stay. In all cases, the message is clear to the suffering spouse: the institution of marriage is more important than the people it is meant to serve.

My message is also clear. To the religious defenders of marriage at all costs, I say that a God of love does not wish to see people suffer, either from physical violence or psychological torment. To parents of sons and daughters in soul-destroying marriages, I say "Think of your loved one. Protect your kid, not the institution. Your child does not deserve to be hit or yelled at time and time again".

To those who say that a wife must put up with yet one more blow to the face, the answer has to be equally clear. No husband or wife has the right to beat his or her spouse. If you are being beaten, get out of the marriage: there are people and organizations who will help you even if your family or church won't.

There are marriages where there is no physical violence but persistent psychological abuse. It can take the form of constant criticism: "Your cooking is no good", "Your clothes look awful", "You're too thin" or "You're too fat", "You're stupid", "You're ugly". On and on it goes day after day. This can happen to husbands and wives alike. Nothing they do is good enough for their spouse. It can leave the victim feeling trapped because they might be in a comfortable house, have plenty of money, good kids. The abusing spouse might even have moments when he or she is loving and apologetic. It can go on for so long that the victim begins to believe that she or he is the cause of the problems.

Some husbands and wives have extremely jealous spouses who track and monitor every movement, phone call, email, and purchase their spouse makes. There can be interrogations followed by violence or other abuse. Extreme as it may sound, there are husbands and wives who are prisoners in their own homes, unable to go out without permission.

Obviously, there are many spouses with frivolous complaints: the wife who hates her husband because he is unable to buy her $1000 worth of new outfits every month; the husband who expects his wife to clean the house dressed in high heels and stockings. 

Very young married couple with no experience of hardship find it especially easy to give up on marriage at the first hurdle. For them, cruelty can mean they don't feel free to watch their favorite television show every evening, or they can't understand why their spouse is hurt by their partner's former girlfriends or boyfriends constantly calling the house.

These frivolous complaints aside, there are plenty of married people who endure deep pain in silence. When you meet them, you can tell that something is wrong but they won't open up, either out of embarrassment, shame, or a fear of being considered a loser and a failure. We owe it to these people to listen and ask them more than once, "Are you ok? Are you safe?"

For millions of people, marriage is a war zone. The victims needs care and attention. Let's not be the ones to overlook a friend's or colleague's suffering.

Marcia Thompson is an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can occur in physically mismatched relationships.

[If you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope? Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]

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Some marriages get so bad that the partners hate each other. There's disappointment in nearly every marriage, and there are marriages where the spouses cannot stand the sight of each other. We also examine the impact of a spouse's social anxiety on marriage. [continues below]

 

 

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