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"I hate
my husband but everyone tells me to save the marriage"
[Sex
question you daren't ask but want answered]
There
is nothing like family and marriage for bringing extreme
emotions and behavior onto center stage. Work, sport, air
travel, shopping, bad service in restaurants, each can drive
you crazy, but family and marriage are more demanding than
all of them put together. Marriage is a place that can turn
love into hatred. Many spouses are trapped in a spiral
of violence and abuse, with no escape in sight.
A lot of spouses in
miserable, abusive, dead-end marriages find themselves
totally without support from friends, family, religious
institutions, and so-called experts in marriage matters.
These people believe the institution of marriage must be
defended at all costs, even if it is tormenting one or both
spouses and their children.
A wife in a horrible marriage
might be told, "Your life isn't that bad, at least your
husband doesn't hit you". Or there are husbands whose
alcoholic or drug-abusing wives drink away the family
savings, don't come home at night and sleep around, leaving
the husband to run the home as best he can. He'll want to
leave his wife but religious friends might tell him to keep
giving her one last chance.
There are marriages where a
wife has to stand between her fist-waving husband and her
children. She takes heavy blows to the head in order to
protect her kids from being hit. And here are people close
to her who will tell her she must stay. In all cases, the
message is clear to the suffering spouse: the institution of
marriage is more important than the people it is meant to
serve.
My message is also clear. To
the religious defenders of marriage at all costs, I say that
a God of love does not wish to see people suffer, either
from physical violence or psychological torment. To parents
of sons and daughters in soul-destroying marriages, I say
"Think of your loved one. Protect your kid, not the
institution. Your child does not deserve to be hit or yelled
at time and time again".
To those who say that a wife
must put up with yet one more blow to the face, the answer
has to be equally clear. No husband or wife has the right to
beat his or her spouse. If you are being beaten, get out of
the marriage: there are people and organizations who will
help you even if your family or church won't.
There are marriages where
there is no physical violence but persistent psychological
abuse. It can take the form of constant criticism:
"Your cooking is no good", "Your clothes look
awful", "You're too thin" or "You're too
fat", "You're stupid", "You're
ugly". On and on it goes day after day. This can happen
to husbands and wives alike. Nothing they do is good enough
for their spouse. It can leave the victim feeling trapped
because they might be in a comfortable house, have plenty of
money, good kids. The abusing spouse might even have moments
when he or she is loving and apologetic. It can go on for so
long that the victim begins to believe that she or he is the
cause of the problems.
Some husbands and wives have
extremely jealous spouses who track and monitor every
movement, phone call, email, and purchase their spouse
makes. There can be interrogations followed by violence or
other abuse. Extreme as it may sound, there are husbands and
wives who are prisoners in their own homes, unable to go out
without permission.
Obviously, there are many
spouses with frivolous complaints: the wife who hates her
husband because he is unable to buy her $1000 worth of new
outfits every month; the husband who expects his wife to
clean the house dressed in high heels and stockings.
Very young married couple
with no experience of hardship find it especially easy to
give up on marriage at the first hurdle. For them, cruelty
can mean they don't feel free to watch their favorite
television show every evening, or they can't understand why
their spouse is hurt by their partner's former girlfriends
or boyfriends constantly calling the house.
These frivolous complaints
aside, there are plenty of married people who endure deep
pain in silence. When you meet them, you can tell that
something is wrong but they won't open up, either out of
embarrassment, shame, or a fear of being considered a loser
and a failure. We owe it to these people to listen and ask
them more than once, "Are you ok? Are you safe?"
For millions of people,
marriage is a war zone. The victims needs care and
attention. Let's not be the ones to overlook a friend's or
colleague's suffering.
Marcia Thompson is an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape
together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can
occur in physically mismatched relationships.
[If
you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or
relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are
millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope?
Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we
can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]
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