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Help, I'm in
shape but my partner is fat
[Professional
tips for catching a cheating spouse]
Here's an example from my
professional life. I know a married couple who were
physically active in their 30s. The guy, Jeff, was about 155
lbs, the woman, Lizzie, was 121 lbs, which isn't a bad
physical fit.
Twenty years later, Lizzie
has become a keen marathon runner. She's 51, one of the top
distance runners for her age in Texas, and weighs only 105
lbs. Jeff, who cheers her on at races, has given up running.
He is now well over 200 lbs.
Lizzie loves Jeff, she would
never leave him, but she finds sex with him unpleasant
because of his weight, most of which is concentrated around
his gut, making intercourse difficult and unpleasant. Lizzie
feels crushed beneath him, unable to breathe; she feels tiny
next to her huge husband.
There are other problems,
too. As Lizzie has become leaner, fitter, and stronger, her
sexual appetite has increased, while Jeff, who smokes and
drinks, has problems sustaining an erection. He is
completely lacking in stamina. The erectile dysfunction
makes him feel inadequate, so he often avoids intimacy,
preferring the company of his whisky bottle, erotic dvds,
and, well, self-satisfaction.
Occasionally, Jeff will fly
into a fit of jealousy because his wife is training with
guys her own age, professional men, doctors, lawyers, and
professors, who look great because they're running 50 or
more miles a week.
Running and training groups
can become close-knit and it's not unusual for friendships
to become flirtatious, even overstepping boundaries that
threaten marriages. Often, close friendships are just that
and no more, but jealous spouses can mistake them for love
affairs.
What is a health-conscious
wife or husband to do in these circumstances? The obvious,
though not always successful answer, is to encourage the
non-exercising partner to get in shape. The couple would, in
theory, train together, enjoy following each other's
progress; their sex lives would improve, they'd have new
friends and new topics to talk about, and they'd grow
together. Fine in theory, but it doesn't often work that
way.
If you're 20 or more pounds
overweight, it's going to take at least a year to lose the
excess pounds and build cardio-vascular capacity to the
extent that you can run and train with a fit spouse. Of
course, you'll notice improvements in your fitness after
only three weeks of exercising 30 minutes a day, but those
improvements will seem tiny compared to the progress your
wife (or husband) has made.
Males are usually extremely
competitive. A guy would rather not compete than have his
butt kicked in a 5k race against his wife. A 50 year old
woman who has been running for five or more years might
finish a 5k in under 23 minutes. A 220 lb man who has not
exercised for a decade would be lucky if he can stagger
across the finish line in under 30 minutes. It will take him
a long, long time to get under 23 minutes, perhaps two years
of serious daily training and improved diet.
It can be a good idea not to
train with a very fit spouse. They certainly don't benefit
from running with someone who is much slower than they are.
Instead, train on your own or join a group of people who are
at the same fitness level as you. Join Weight Watchers,
which is a great way of controlling your food intake. WW has
shown over the years that they can turn seemingly hopeless
cases around.
Health-conscious husbands or
wives should never be angry or judgmental with a spouse
who's struggling with weight issues. Instead, encourage
them. Be pleased about every small improvement. Those first
five pounds of lost weight are a big deal. If you're a
serious athlete, you know how obsessive you can be, so
understand your spouse if she or she becomes more and more
deeply occupied by his or her own weight loss. Listen to
their stories, don't always be reminding them how much
better you are.
If you ever get your spouse
to sign up for a race, be there at the finish line to cheer
them on. You might win your age group and finish 10 minutes
ahead of your spouse, it doesn't matter. An overweight
husband's achievement, just signing up, competing and
finishing, is a victory worth celebrating.
As a spouse becomes motivated
by improvements in fitness, they will naturally take more
interest in good eating habits, decreasing their intake of
alcohol and junk food. You might even begin to share a
desire to avoid previously favorite restaurants that stacked
your plate high with goodies. You might instead search out
the best salad places or restaurants and cafes where you,
not the chef, decides how much of each item is put on your
plate.
A couple of years down the
training path, with a husband 30 or more pounds lighter,
looking good, better in bed, there will be new challenges to
face. He, being physically stronger, will probably kick your
butt in races and you will have to live with that after
years of being the family's best, perhaps only, athlete. So
remember, if you're heavily into competition, you're not
competing against each other but against your own gender and
age group.
Finally, let's get back to
the couple where one spouse is healthy and of normal weight
and the other is overweight and can't or won't get in shape.
What to do? There are only two options:
One: you have to learn
to accept and live with your spouse's overweight or obesity,
concentrating on his or her other good qualities. But you
should not compromise on your own need to stay in shape,
even if it means carving out your own life that your spouse
does not share and has little access to. He or she must
learn to accept what you are and have become.
Two: if the physical
mismatch becomes hugely problematic, causing sexual
problems, resentment and frustration, you have to look at
whether you are so far apart that your relationship cannot
be salvaged. Plenty of couples have separated or divorced
because of physical mismatch. It can be the solution that
both of you are looking for.
by Marcia Thompson, who's
an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape
together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can
occur in physically mismatched relationships.
[If
you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or
relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are
millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope?
Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we
can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]
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