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Better sex beyond 40
Deeper love Sex can get better the more you know and love someone and become aware of each other's needs and desires.
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Those early fantasies are not so much lustful as loving and respectful. A woman is the pinnacle of desire. You can't wait until the day a woman will want and love you. When a young man falls in love, it is the best of all possible worlds.
Take the routine out of sex
We talk to Susie, 49, about sex, her first marriage to Rod, 48, and her relationship with Dave, 50, a man she has been dating for seven years. She tells us about turn-ons, toys, lingerie, how to keep desire alive, and how to satisfy her man.
Hello Susie, let's start with your first marriage. How long were you married, why did it end?
I was married to Rod for 22 years. I knew him for five years before we got married. It feels like he has always been in my life. My parents knew his parents before we were born. There was nothing really wrong with the marriage. He wasn't cruel or neglectful, he worked hard, we had plenty of money, our savings looked good, our three children were doing great. Rod was satisfied with life, he kept telling me, Isn't it fantastic we're such good friends after all these years?
And I was thinking, I want more than a friend, I want a lover, I want strong, passionate feelings, I want regular sex, I want to tackle life head on.
But Rod was all about settling down, settling in, being happy with what we had.
I loved to gaze at her pretty, crossed legs
Nothing more enticing that a beautiful woman
I longed to caress her long, slender legs
You were dissatisfied with your sex life?
I reached a point where I asked, Can I carry on living like this? If I need to move, it's got to be soon.
I did what most women do when sex goes cold, I blamed myself. I thought I was unattractive, I bought new outfits and lingerie which Rod didn't notice. I told him once, I want you to f--k me on the pool table
. He said, No, it'll ruin the surface.
Small defeats like that add up. In the end you give up.
Had it always been like this, that you were the one with a stronger sex drive?
Not when we were young. Then we'd do it outside in the woods or at the beach in a secluded spot on the dunes. I love doing it outside. As we got older, Rod didn't like that anymore, he was worried about being seen. Then when we reached 45, Rod got incredibly lazy. Nothing could motivate him to change. He did his job well enough and he kept our yard in immaculate condition, the cars ran well, all the practical stuff was in place, but our sex lacked spark and I was incredibly frustrated. There was no electricity to our lives. I was constantly trying to interest him, and he seemed happiest when it was over. It's like he f--ked me out of a sense of duty. I bought a dildo and told him about it, and he said, "Good, then I can get some peace at last".
That obviously didn't help.
No, rejection is horrible for anyone. Sexual rejection is even worse because you are at your most vulnerable. You've opened yourself to someone, you want to give them your body, and they say they don't want it. Then you feel ugly and stupid. You might be there all dressed up in stockings and heels and the guy's not interested. It's awful.
And everything else about your marriage was fine?
Oh yes, apart from the fact that he was a bit of a clean freak. I have an office at home and it would bug me that he'd want to come in and tidy after I'd been working there. But that's my only complaint.
You make the point that marriage does not have to be unhappy to come to an end. Couples don't endure marriage in the way our parents and grandparents did. Today, if marriage doesn't make you happy, you get out.
You don't give up easily, you're prepared to put in the effort to make the marriage work. You should both work at it of course; you need to talk and reach agreement. If one person thinks they're doing all the working and talking, it leads to resentment, then the sex goes wrong, then it disappears because it's too hurtful having sex when you're not talking about normal, regular stuff. But, let's not forget that women have good careers these days; it's easier for them to make the break. Even if my grandmother was unhappy, she wasn't going to leave her husband because he had the money. She had no education, no job, no savings.
How often did you have sex in those last couple of years before your divorce?
Maybe once or twice every couple of months. I never, not once, had an orgasm while having sex with my husband. I had to do that for myself with my fingers. Later, I bought a dildo which was great. After Rod had finished, I would make myself come.
Did it bother your husband you did that? Did you talk about it?
No, it didn't bother him at all. He was glad the pressure was off him. A couple of times he held the dildo but he was uncomfortable doing it and he got bored quickly. Even when the f--king is good, I don't come easily, not from penetration alone. I need to be rubbed or licked. I like to come first, then the guy can f--k me.
Backtracking a little, you divorced Rod?
Yes, it was swift and painless. We sat down calmly and talked through all our options. He understood he could never satisfy me. He seemed genuinely happy not to have that pressure hanging over him anymore. We did a pro se divorce, all of it was done without so much as a raised voice, all very matter of fact. He now lives his life in our old house and I have bought a house about 15 miles away.
Do you have any contact with him?
Minimal, we talk about the children if there's an issue that needs to be resolved. I might ask his advice when I'm buying a car, he's good at that. Otherwise, I don't think about him.
You have a new man in your life?
Yes, Dave, but he's not new. I've known him for seven years. I had sex with him the first time when I was still married. I knew the marriage was over so I didn't feel guilty.
Was Dave married at that time too?
Yes, he was in a miserable marriage to a bipolar woman. He was trying to get out of it. He felt bad at times because his wife was really down, so depressed she'd just lie there on the couch for days at a time. He reached a point where he couldn't take it anymore.
How is your sex life with Dave different from sex with Rod?
For a start, Dave is an athlete, I mean he runs a lot so his sex drive, stamina, flexibility, and fitness are something I never experienced with Rod. Dave loves sex and he needs it regularly. He loves to talk about it, too, which Rod never did. He loves to talk when we're doing it, which I like. That embarrassed Rod. He hated dirty talk. Dave makes me feel wanted and attractive, which makes me wet and makes me want him.
Anything that adds spice is great for your sex life. Toys, fantasies, role playing, games, anything that both of you agree to do. It's not one person imposing his or her will. Erotic games like we play rely on trust. Love, trust, desire, great sex, they all go together.
By Athina Simonidou
The stuff of life
Love life: How often do married couples have sex? » Can sex ever be fun again? » Recovering from the agony of divorce » Will a married man leave his wife for a lover? » How to impress a girlfriend »
Fitness: How to help a loved one lose weight
Mind games: Passive aggressive wife is wrecking marriage » Rage, mania, and depression »
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