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Why are men and women unfaithful?

We interview a cheating husband, Roy, a successful professional man in his late 40s. He explains why he is unfaithful to his wife. He talks about the satisfaction it gives him, as well as the underlying sense of guilt and shame. He says he does not wish to hurt his wife's feelings. In fact, he claims to be happily married, yet he has been cheating on his wife for nearly 10 years.

Question: Roy, how long have you been married and is this your first marriage?

Roy: I have been married for nearly 15 years. This is my second marriage.

Question: Did your first marriage end because of your cheating?

Roy: I don't like to call it cheating, but we can agree to call it infidelity or unfaithfulness if you like. No, my first marriage did not end because of that. My wife and I drifted apart. We lost interest in each other. I was married to her for three years. I was unfaithful for about six months in the middle of our marriage, but I am sure my wife did not know about it.

Question: How often have you been unfaithful in your second marriage?

Roy: I was completely faithful for the first two years. In the 12 or 13 years since then, I have slept with four women other than my wife.

Question: Were they long term relationships?

Roy: Some were, some weren't. I had a brief, intense fling with a married woman that lasted about two months. She felt very guilty and returned to her husband. Then I had a two-year affair with a married businesswoman. That ended because her husband found out and it became messy. At the moment, I am seeing two women other than my wife. I have been sleeping with one of them for five years and the other one for eight years.

Question: Do these recent two women know about each other? Do they know you are married? How old are they by the way?

Roy: They don't know about each other, but they know I am married. One of them knows my wife very well. We are family friends. One is 51, a year or so older than me. The other is 39.

Question: Does your wife suspect your are unfaithful?

Roy: Difficult to say. I hope not. I am very careful. I don't date and sleep with women who have demands other than physical ones. I don't want to be with a woman who demands I leave my wife and marry her. That would defeat the purpose.

Question: How is your sex life with your wife? How often are you intimate?

Roy: Like most people who have lived together more than a decade, it has its ups and downs. We have sense at least once a fortnight, a couple of times a week at most. We don't go more than a month without sex. It can be good, it can be bad, that's marriage.

Question: How often do you sleep with your lovers?

Roy: I don't count, but the woman I have known for eight years, I guess we have sex at least once a week, as much as four times a week if there's the opportunity. There's not always a lot of time. My other friend lives out of state, so we're together once a month at most, but then it's pretty intense.

Question: Can you go straight from one woman to another, and straight from a lover to your wife's bed?

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Roy: Yes, no problem.

Question: What's the purpose of your infidelity?

Roy: I don't spend a lot of time analyzing it. It's part of who I am. I guess it's something I feel driven to do. If the opportunities arise, which they often do, there's no strong force inside me telling me to stop. The desire to express myself physically...

Question: You mean the desire to have sex?

Roy: Yes, the desire to have sex, to be physically intimate with a woman I find attractive is a very strong driving force, perhaps the strongest in my life. There are plenty of women, even married women, who think and behave like I do, so there is never a problem finding someone. But it's not as though I'm predatory. I don't hunt for women, it just happens.

Question: How does it just happen? It seems a big step.

Roy: Yes, it is a big step and I can feel pangs of guilt about it, but the desire is so strong and I don't want to resist it. I usually meet other women at social gatherings, work events, that kind of thing. I don't go to bars, don't use chat rooms or datelines.

Questions: So these women might be married to friends or colleagues of yours?

Roy: Oh yes, that's usually the case. One of my current lovers, the women I have known for eight years, her husband works with my wife. That has helped us because we know everyone's schedule. There are hardly ever any mishaps.

Question: So infidelity requires a lot of planning?

Roy: If you don't want to hurt your spouse, if you don't want her to find out, it requires meticulous planning. There's always an element of risk, which is part of the thrill I guess, but yes, I am very careful.

Question: Tell us about the care involved?

Roy: I never phone from home, I never receive calls at home. My lovers are not needy like that. We are emotionally secure in the relationship. There's no jealousy, no wondering what the other person is doing when we are apart. I delete all cellphone calls when I make or receive them. I use a pay-as-you-go phone, so there are no records. I don't use my credit cards, I make sure I don't accept gifts, I don't make notes, don't keep a diary. I make sure I am not seen in public with my lovers, I delete all emails as soon as they are sent or arrive, I have difficult passwords, those kinds of things.

Question: And this has worked for you?

Roy: It works very well.

Question: What is the pleasure in having to go through all this subterfuge? Don't you feel you are betraying your wife?

Roy: There's not much pleasure in the subterfuge itself. The pleasure is having a physical relationship with few strings attached. They are actually very strong relationships but they are different from marriage. In fact marriage would no doubt destroy them. I never have to buy toilet tissue for a lover -- I don't have to get involved in all the mundane details of her life that can make marriage a trial.

Question: Some say that these small trials of marriage, as you put it, are what make a marriage strong.

Roy: I am sure there are people that think that, just as there are people with no urge to be unfaithful. That's not me.

Question: You don't seem very guilty about this.

Roy: The rules of society and marriage say that I am wrong and that I should feel very guilty. But I don't. I would feel very bad if my wife found out and was hurt. If that happened and she wanted a divorce, I would accept the consequences. I don't do this because I don't love my wife. I am happily married. These affairs, as I see it, are not a part of my married life. They are completely separate. Some husbands spend hours playing golf or watching tv, I do this instead.

Question: You can't compare what you do to golf and watching television. Neither of those activities can cause the enormous upheaval that cheating causes.

Roy: No they don't. I didn't mean to say they were equal. I mean I have chosen to spend my leisure time with other women enjoying what we enjoy doing. It's not all about sex, though it mostly is. We like each other's company, too.

Question: Would you be able to stop? Would you consider counseling?

Roy: I probably could not stop. I do not need counseling. I'm a normal male with normal desires that don't quite fit within conventional marriage.

Question: What about your children? Do you consider their feelings if they found out?

Roy: They're all old enough to survive it if the news comes out. I have no kids with my current wife. My children are from my first wife and two kids from an unmarried relationship I had in my 20s. I wouldn't be proud of myself for hurting my children. I try to be a good dad. I don't see this as part of my parenting duties. Anyhow, my youngest is 19 now; he's old enough to understand and deal with it.

Question: How would you feel if you found out your wife was doing this?

Roy: As long as she was careful like I am, I wouldn't be too bothered. I don't think we can get all we need from one person. I certainly can't. If my wife needs a lover, that's her business.

Question: You would not want to leave her?

Roy: No, that would be hypocritical. I would want her to be cautious and careful about who she is sleeping with, how she protects himself. I would not want her to flaunt her infidelity in my face. I could live happily by those ground rules.

Question: Are you sure?

Roy: Very sure.

Question: Are you a spiritual person? Are you religious?

Roy: I'm a Christian, if that's what you mean.

Question: You see no contradiction between Christian teachings and your way of life?

Roy: Well, Jesus wasn't married, so what does he know about the matter. Anyhow, I think the church is the last institution that has a right to interfere in people's lives. The church is no better or worse than any of us. Human sexuality is probably a lot more complicated than the religious folks would have us believe.

Question: So you have no religious fear about the consequences of your actions?

Roy: What, like hell and damnation? No, I have no fear of that whatsoever.

Question: If your wife found out and begged you to stop in order to save your marriage, what would you do?

Roy: I guess I would promise to stop. I'd try to stop too. I could probably behave myself for a year or so, then I'd probably meet someone and the pattern would continue.

Question: But you would not seek treatment of any kind?

Roy: No, I am not unwell. This is not a sickness. If I wasn't married, my behavior would be perfectly acceptable.

Question: It wouldn't be acceptable to have two lovers who don't know about each other.

Roy: That's true. I meant that dating a lot of people is ok if you are not married. That's essentially what I'm doing. There are people a lot weirder than I am. There are folks into much more extreme stuff.

Question: Is that your justification, that there are weirder people than you?

Roy: No, I mean that sexual tastes and behavior cover a very broad spectrum. There is a lot going on under the radar. Mine is the classic old case of marital infidelity. I'm not into weird or extreme stuff. I'm a guy that enjoys sex and women too much to stick with one woman at a time. That's my failing.

Question: Thank you, Roy, for being so open with us.

Roy: You're welcome.

By Brad Benson

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